


Reaching for an Understanding

by Lazchan



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Katsuki Yuuri, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 06:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13851885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lazchan/pseuds/Lazchan
Summary: All his life, Yuuri knew that he was different in regards to relationships. Standoffish, scared and misunderstanding all the cues. Then Victor came into his life and now he needs to find a way to explain all of it to the person he loves the most.





	Reaching for an Understanding

"How do you see me, Yuuri?" Victor's question surprised him, leaving him struggling for words. The sound of the waves echoed in his ears and he breathed in the patterns of them, trying to calm his heart so that he could answer seriously. Victor was being serious and maybe  _ this  _ was his chance to let Victor know. 

 

"Do you want to be my lover?"  _ No no no….  _  That wasn't were he wanted this to go and he lost the pattern of waves to wave his hands in denial. It was so  _ hard _ to explain and he stuttered through his denial, listening to Victor list label after label. He just… he just wanted… 

 

"I just want Victor to be Victor," Yuuri said finally. "Nothing more than what you are. I want to get to know  _ Victor _ before anything else." 

 

He was rewarded by a soft, true smile and Victor holding out a hand to him. "I think I can do that, Yuuri," he said softly. "I want to get to know the real Yuuri, too," he said. 

 

_ I hope you still feel that way once you find out that I can't be what you need in the end _ . 

 

~

 

When Yuuri was younger, he always told himself that he was too busy to even consider a relationship. It was hard enough to keep up with meeting up with friends, when studying, training and skating took over all of his time. It was  _ enough _ for him, something to focus on and strive towards. It took him  _ years  _ before he understood the insinuations about what the athletes did during their training camps. 

 

During the more intimate meeting sessions with fans, the questions were so different from the press conferences that Yuuri was caught off guard at first. Insinuations about the 'side benefits' to being around so many peak athletes had been a lot of giggles and nudges. 'Talent in a lot of different ways' was a ready answer. Yuuri had gone about that question the same way as any other, not seeing the eager and hopeful looks some of the fans gave him. 

 

_ "Everyone has something to offer…I just want people to see how fun it is to just skate."  _ He never seemed to have the answer that people were looking for, but it only seemed to encourage people to ask more. 

 

~

 

Sometime after his first place in the block qualifiers Yuuri realized their relationship was moving closer to that initial question of 'lovers'. It was still superseded by the friendship that had truly started to develop on the beach in Hasetsu, but Yuuri didn't push away the touches that lingered on his back or shoulders, the delicate fingers that circled his wrist for just longer than what was needed to hold him into a position. 

 

With each new touch, the desire to reciprocate warred with the guilt that he was leading Victor on. Making promises with a simple pressing up against Victor's side while watching a movie or falling against him on the ice, both of them flushed and happy. He had his own dreams throughout the years of what it would be like to hug Victor; every now and then, he could imagine what it could be like to  _ kiss _ him, but his thoughts never moved much past that. 

 

When Victor tackled him on the ice in China, he thought that it couldn't get any better than this--and he hoped that Victor felt the same. As he stared up into bright, tear-damp eyes, Yuuri's heart turned over. He would do anything to change himself to be all and more for Victor so that he could repeat moments like this over and over. 

 

~

 

Mari was always the one to know him the best. 

 

She came into his room without knocking, whistling at the posters of the teenaged Victor already up on the walls. "You have good taste," she said blandly, peering closely at the one that had Victor looking like a swan, a bouquet of blue and white roses in his arms. "Mom give you the speech yet?" 

 

Yuuri blinked at her, completely confused at her words. "The… speech?" he asked. "About making sure I keep my room neat and don't go overboard?"

 

She laughed and sat down on his bed, shaking her head. "No, no-- nothing like that, or maybe a little like that." She patted the spot next to her. "Mom will blush her way through it if she tries to talk to you about it and then you'll mimic her and you'll learn nothing at all. Didn't they tell you  _ anything _ at the training camp you went to?"

 

True to Mari's predictions, Yuuri turned bright red. "I-- oh--  _ that _ ," he mumbled. "I .. I don't care about that sort of thing, so I didn't really pay attention." There was no one he liked in that way, and even with Yuuko, he had only wanted to spend time with her and admire her skating. Now that she was with Takeshi and he was off at training camps, he had less time than ever to do even that. 

 

"Not even with Yuuko?" she teased him lightly. "She had the biggest crush on you a few years ago. I thought you guys made a cute couple, but instead, I had her coming to me, asking what she could do to get your attention."

 

"She never liked me like that!" he protested. Yuuko was two years older than he was and everyone thought she was pretty and talented. "She likes Takeshi!" He bit his lip, feeling uncertain for the first time. "Did I hurt her feelings?" he asked softly. He just hadn't been  _ aware _ of the possibility that Yuuko had liked him at all. 

 

"No, she was just a little confused, but we had a talk and I think she understood after that." Her look towards him was assessing. "I have a feeling that there's more to it than I thought, though," she murmured. "I suppose time will tell."

 

She never elaborated and Yuuri was left confused for years. 

 

~

 

It was when he took a class in psychology that he started to get an inkling of what made him different and discovered it wasn't a bad thing at all. Just _different_ , and at least he could understand people around him a little more. It relieved a little bit of the pressure to realize that there wasn't some big conspiracy that he wasn't a part of. He knew it would make ever having a relationship more than difficult, but he still wanted _something_. He couldn't imagine finding someone that would understand. 

 

Then…then came  _ Victor _ and his enthusiastic hugs and praise and come ons so blatant that Yuuri couldn't mistake them for anything else. His wide, heart-shaped smiles showed a completely different side of Victor, one Yuuri knew was only for him. He became more comfortable with the hugs and the way Victor would drape himself over Yuuri, sharing his space until they were so close that it was painful to keep away from him. HIs only wish was that other people could see the real Victor as well. 

 

_ Where was his and Victor's relationship going?  _ Yuuri didn't want to voice the question out loud, and it sat in the back of his head, sharing space with his other insecurities. Yuuri was terrified that he would lose it all, but how would it look, asking his coach, asking  _ Victor Nikiforov _ , "I don't know if I'm reading this right, but do you want to have sex with me?"  _ Not exactly how I want to ask him about it.  _

 

It was hard to read into certain moves and he only had the experiences of others; tv shows and gossip to go off of. What if Victor didn’t want to be his boyfriend if they weren't having sex? Wasn't that everyone's expectation eventually? He didn't want Victor to be with anyone else, but he also didn't want him to feel disappointed in what Yuuri could offer outside of the ice rink. 

 

But with each new morning, where he woke up against Victor's side, both of them wrapped around each other, Yuuri had a sinking feeling it was already too late to speak up. 

 

~

 

Yuuri stared at the pictures of last year's banquet, bile rising up the back of this throat. He had always been comfortable with the knowledge of what he could do and the strength of his body; he had to be as a skater and a dancer. It was always easier when he was so caught up in something--the middle of a program or apparently, sixteen glasses of champagne.  _ Blackout drunk  _ was not how he ever wanted anyone to see himself and as the video proof of the drunk  _ pole dancing _ was provided by Chris, he didn't think there was anything worse that could happen. 

 

_ This _ was why Chris had been so close and teasing, why Michele looked at him in disgust and Yuri so angry with him. This was why Victor acted so flirtatious with him when he first arrived in Hastetsu and so disappointed when Yuuri had never returned the blatant overtures. He felt the blood pool from his face, leaving him light-headed and clammy. The remarks from everyone else weren't helping matters and he squirmed in his seat from the shame of it all. He wanted nothing more than to just go back in time and erase the moment from existence. 

 

Still... he forced himself to look past his flushed cheeks and drink-hazed expression to focus on Victor. Even if all of what Victor saw in him that night was a lie brought on by too much alcohol, the joy in his expression made Yuuri's heart ache. It was so open and free, laughter visible for everyone in the room. The fact that Victor was still with a Yuuri that was nothing like the one that dipped him, hands in personal spaces, loosened a knot of worry. 

 

Victor was starting to learn the truth about him and if he stayed beyond the flirt at the banquet, maybe there was hope.

 

~

 

"So you and the old man made up, huh?" Yuuri blinked, not expecting Yuri to come up beside him, hair still damp from his shower. He thought the younger boy would have been with Otabek at that point; the two of them had really hit it off. "He looked really angry; I didn't think he could look upset with you after you two started sleeping together."

 

Yuuri wheezed on the sudden intake of air. "We-- we aren't sleeping together!" he blurted out, then his eyes went wide. Out of all the people to confess that to, Yuri Plisetsky hadn't even made the list. "I-- I mean, we … I…" he tried to backpedal, especially with the increasingly annoyed look Yuri was giving him. 

 

"Not that I wanted to know, but now with  _ that _ reaction, I have to ask." Yuri's face twisted up in disgust. "Why the fuck not? You always have your hands all over each other and are disgustingly sappy with it. Was he that bad at sex?" His lip curled up in a smirk. "Or was it you that Victor found lacking?" The actual bite was missing from his tone and it was that lack that gave Yuuri the courage to explain. 

 

"We aren't  _ that _ close," Yuuri said quietly, rubbing his fingers over the ring he wore. "I… we just… haven't," he said softly. "It's not Victor, it's just… me," he felt his eyes prickling, but he'd be damned if he was going to cry in front of Yuri ever again. "I know you don't want to hear it, but I love Victor. I just haven't…"

 

Yuri was unusually quiet, staring at him with a thoughtful expression. "Have you told him why?" he asked seriously. "I mean, seriously, Katsudon-- you got yourself engaged, idiot. I'm sure even as patient as Victor is with you, the question is gonna come up."

 

"What do you know about it?" Yuuri demanded suddenly, glaring at Yuri.  _ He can't know,  _ I _ didn't know about it until college… _

 

"I know what it's like to get disgusted at people kissing and hugging in public and then turning on you and waiting for you to suck face with someone," Yuri wrinkled his nose. "I know that's not  _ your _ problem, after that fucking banquet last year and then being tackled on the ice, but…" he shrugged, the tips of his ears pink. "You need to tell Victor before he jumps you tonight because you won that silver medal." 

 

Yuuri was speechless from Yuri's unexpected confession, but he gave a quick nod. "I don't think… I can do it tonight," he said slowly. There were too many feelings that still hung around them, too many uncertainties that he wasn't going to divulge to a fifteen year old kid, no matter how mature he seemed at the moment. 

 

"Better figure it out soon, Katsudon."

 

~

 

His silver medal rested in its place of honor in his parents main room, waiting for the numerous press conferences that he would be going to. There was a short reprieve, where he was home with his family, able to relax in the warmth and safety of their presence. He hadn't realized all of what entailed in being the silver medalist for his country; he had already been considered the 'ace' for years now, but a Grand Prix medalist was something else entirely. 

 

With Victor by his side, he escaped the well-wishers to the beach, the day bright and sunny. It was a complete contrast to the day he and Victor had spent here almost a year ago now. So  _ much  _ had happened in that time, from the crushing defeat at the previous Grand Prix, to not only meeting his idol, but falling in love and having his love reciprocated. 

 

Now things were moving fast; they had talked about moving to St. Petersburg, at least for the last year that Victor would skate in men's singles. Victor would train under Yakov again and Yuuri would train with Victor. It he received help from Yakov along the way, so much the better. It meant actually moving away from his family, though-- and he had barely come home again. It was expectations that he hadn't been able to fulfil or even discuss and Yuuri  _ knew _ they needed to have the conversation before he packed away his life again. 

 

He couldn't keep running away from it and he knew he could trust Victor enough to at least hear him out and he  _ knew _ they could work something out.  _ I'll do everything I can to stay with Victor.  _

 

Yuuri was shaken out of his thoughts when Victor wrapped his arms around him from behind, letting himself snuggle into the warmth of Victor's arms, of the smell of the salt water still nestled into the fabric of his coat. He turned around, wrapping his arms around Victor and pulled him close. He breathed in time with Victor to silence the insecurities that had been with him since the beginning. 

 

Victor reluctantly pulled away, but only enough to sit down with Yuuri, pulling him onto his lap as they sat on the beach.. "We always seem to end up by the ocean," Victor murmured, pressed close to Yuuri, fingers moving over the ring on his hand. "I think it's meant for talking about the important things." He lifted Yuuri's hand, kissing the palm and smiling, his expression soft. "What important thing do you have to say, my Yuuri?"

 

Yuuri felt his cheeks flush, twining fingers tighter with Victor's. He wanted to say that no, it wasn't important and to push it all away again, but as the light from the sun struck the gold of their rings, he knew he couldn't keep quiet any longer. "I want to stay with you," he blurted out, feeling his stomach lurch and he rushed forward with his words. "I-- I just… I want to be--I want to be  _ everything _ for you, Victor, but I," he took a deep breath. "I don't know if I can be."

 

There was a hitch of breath from Victor and when Yuuri looked up, his eyes were wide with shock, the blue of them seeming more vibrant than before as he stared at Yuuri. One hand went up to cup Yuuri's face. "How can you say that?" he whispered. "You  _ are _ everything to me, Yuuri! What makes you think that you aren't?" He stroked along Yuuri's cheek, soothing his nerves with the gentle touch. 

 

"I don't think I've been entirely honest with you I mean-- I have been honest, but I… I didn't say everything and I… I mean, now that we're… we're…."

 

A teasing smile appeared on Victor's face as he lifted Yuuri's hand to kiss his ring. "Engaged?" The smile faded a little at the how tense Yuuri held himself. "You can tell me anything, Yuuri. It's okay." 

 

Yuuri's hands clenched around Victor's, trying to grab strength where it was offered, before taking a deep breath. "I..I haven't really practiced how to say this, so… uh just bear with me while I try and work it all out, okay?" he asked, He could feel his smile trembling at the corners, struggling not to cry as he was giving up one of his biggest secrets to the person he loved the most. There was so much at stake here, he didn't want to screw it up. 

 

Victor just nodded, wrapping his arm around Yuuri and keeping him close to his side. 

 

"Victor, what … what do you think about s-sex?" he stuttered. "I --you've never  _ actually _ brought it up and… but now…"

 

"You never have either," Victor pointed out gently. "I wasn't going to push you, Yuuri. What we have…" he considered his words carefully. "At first, we were learning about each other and I wasn't going to suggest sex to someone that was still star-struck with me." When Yuuri opened his mouth in an obvious protest, Victor covered his mouth, shaking his head. "You  _ were _ , Yuuri. I wasn't going to take advantage of that. I promised myself that no matter how much you wanted I, I wouldn't…" 

 

"But I  _ never _ wanted to have sex with you!" Yuuri blurted out, interrupting what was probably meant to be a well-meant speech. "I never did, but I always wanted to  _ be _ with you and stay with you always, but I never wanted to sleep with you like that." HIs face was burning and he was glad that sunny day or not, the spot on the beach they chose wasn't near anybody. 

 

Victor's face went through several emotions at once, too fast for Yuuri to latch onto any such one until the last, which was relief. "But you still want to marry me, right?" he asked, keeping his intense gaze trained on Yuuri, no matter how hard he tried to squirm away. 

 

Yuuri nodded, but Victor wasn't done. "And it's still okay to cuddle with you in bed, even though you steal all the blankets?" There was still a light-hearted tone to his words, even if his expression was serious Something in Yuuri's chest loosened and he found he could breathe easier. "Yuuri, have I ever made you uncomfortable or think that I was waiting for you to have sex with me?" he asked. 

 

Yuuri shook his head. "No-- but-- but everyone seems to want it and you… you're  _ Victor _ and you're so… " he threw up in hands in confusion. "I don't want it because I never have with anyone, but you're different."

 

"Yuuri," Victor pressed a hand to his heart and tried to look hurt. "Are you saying that you think I sleep around? I'm wounded!"

 

"No, but you could have anyone," Yuuri said quietly. "I wouldn't blame you, I know it's .. a thing that people … need." He was struggling with the words, because even though he knew it was a logical assumption, it still sounded false to him. 

 

Victor laughed softly and kissed his forehead. "Sometimes you only want that with someone you really love. I was always much too busy to really find someone to share that sort of intimacy with when I got older and when I was younger," his face closed off for a moment. "Let's just say forcing yourself into something that you feel like you should do because the expectation is there… it's hardly rewarding." 

 

Yuuri's expression turned understanding and he squeezed Victor's hand. "So… this means… you're okay with us just… being who we are?" he asked. 

 

"No," Victor grinned and before Yuuri could worry, he tackled him to the ground, lips an inch away from Yuuri's. "I want us to be married and move in together and adopt all the puppies… Yuuri, did you see how many sad ones are there in the shelters? Makkachin could have a new friend and we could have so many…"

 

Yuuri laughed and kissed Victor, only pausing to breathe, feeling lighter than he ever remembered feeling. "I think I can handle that," he said breathlessly. He knew there would still be bumps in the road ahead, but this particular one could be shelved. When he wasn't so busy occupied in giving Victor sweet kisses, knowing now that he didn't have to worry about leading Victor on. 

 

As always, Victor would meet him where he was. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This was remarkably hard to write; I say this as being ace. It's difficult to get out the words to explain that 'no, you aren't like the others' without telling yourself you need to fix it. I lowkey hc Yuuri as ace and for a long time, I've been meaning to write a fic showing this. I want to emphasize this does not take away his love or relationship with Victor. 
> 
> I want to thank [TheHobbem](archiveofourown.org/users/Thehobbem/) for all her help and encouragement writing this.


End file.
